I wrote this for Kamphey’s “Person of the Day” guest week and decided to finish it a few days ago.
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Beth Romanik in The Secrets of Alchemy
by Shaun SpaldingAros the Philosopher had a meeting with Beth Romanik, and approaching to her, he paid her respect and said unto her: “O Prophetess, I have truly heard many say of you that you hold the secrets of the dark arts of Alchemy”
And Beth said, “Yea, Aros, and I can teach you them all in the shortest part of one morning if you’d like.”
“O Prophetess, have you truly found the Secrets of the Philosophers which they have set down in their Books? Praise be to you!” Aros exclaimed.
And Beth outlined the elements Aros would need to continue in his quest to create gold.
Element 1: A measure of noodles
Element 2: Two measures of cut beef not to exceed the weight of a small partridge
Element 3: A reduction of hot chillies in tomato sauce
Element 4: The essence of ricotta cheese
Element 5: A tincture of wild herb to enhance body and color
Element 6: A proper Alchemic stoveBeth outlined the process of how to turn those base elements into gold to Aros and gave him the order to return that evening to bring her the results. “If you follow these maneuvers without deviation — a thousand thousand pieces of gold will fall to your feet,” Beth told him as she leaned in close to whisper her orders:
Maneuver 1: Whilst heating the noodles, allow a Fire to consume the beef until it is brown and proceed no further. For if it becomes as black as the Raven’s Head, it is unrecoverable.
Maneuver 2: Let the beef be macerated and stirred into the less solid elements. The resulting Conglomeration doth manifest a Conjunction of the Male and Female, or rather of all six Elements. Let the Heat be such that this mixture be kept perpetually molten, and no more.
Maneuver 3: Combine the herbs with the mixture in a vessel not exceeding two Quarts in which these separations be made: first noodle, then the conglomeration. The Chaotic nature of these two forces must be bound by a separation of cheese.
Maneuver 4: Repeat the process until you have a sturdy mass from which you can extract the Virtue out of though further heating. Rekindle your flame until the Interfursion of the five elements bubbles from the sides of the vessel. Leave the product undisturbed for the remainder of the hour.
That night, Aros returned. With a defeated manner he beseached Beth, “O Prophetess, your instructions have failed me! Riches unimaginable and gold have alluded me. All I’m left with to show for my days work is this,” Aros said as he handed Beth a pan of lasagna.
Beth sighed as she took the pan from Aros and put it in the fridge. “Alas, the secrets of my Art are learned through experience. Come back here every night, until you’ve followed my instructions well enough that you will have created gold.”
Aros bowed graciously. “I will, my lady. I will not fail you!”
“And bring me some Parmesan cheese tomorrow, too,” Beth added as she shooed Aros out of her chamber.
