Four ways to boast about your law school grades WITHOUT actually boasting.

Good evening Mr. or Mrs. Legal Scholar!

I’m sure by now, your professors have made you aware that law school is about learning how to solve your client’s problems. I’m also sure your classmates have made you aware that law school is really about out-competing your friends and making them jealous of the unlimited capacity of your legal brain.

Is there any way you can satisfy your burning desire to show people you’re better than them WITHOUT exposing yourself as the type of person who has a burning desire to show people you’re better than them?

Using these four tips, you’re sure to achieve what you really came to law school for: to impress your peers with how much smarter you are than them.

by Adam-C

Tip 1. Make a shirt with your class rank on it, and wear it to class.

Get shirts printed with a number “1″ in the middle. Make five different colored shirts so you have one for every weekday. Be sure to make an extra one that you can wear at the library for your study group sessions on Saturdays.

When someone asks you about the shirt, casually imply that that mysterious number is actually your rank.

You: “Did I see you looking at my shirt?”
Classmate: “Excuse me, who are you?”
You: “I bet you’re wondering what the number on my shirt means.”
Classmate: “Hey man, I’m on the phone. Can you give me a minute?”
You: “Thanks for asking. It’s actually my class rank. The number 1 stands for me being number one in the class.”
Classmate: “You seriously made a shirt with your class rank on it?”

Are you a 1L, without a class rank yet? You’re not out of luck. Make a shirt with your GPA on the front and a breakdown of your school’s grade curve on the back. Then after class ranks are released in the summer, be sure to stitch your rank onto the shoulders of your shirts.

Tip 2. Post suggestive Facebook statuses

Don’t tell people directly what they can find out indirectly. People log in to Facebook because they’re just dying to hear other people’s business. Make your classmates unreasonable nosiness work for you.

When updating your Facebook status, be sure to be coy and oblique. For example, if you got an A in Civil Procedure, don’t say

“Shaun is happy he got an A in Civ Pro!”

That would be bragging, and that might make you look like a grade-hungry harpy. Instead, say something more indirect, like

“Shaun is soooo happy that only 4 other people got A’s in Civ Pro, because that means only 4 people will be able to get better jobs than him when we graduate.”

OR

“Shaun is mad! My push points in Civ Pro won’t count now because I already got a perfect score on the exam. Unfair!”

Tip 3. Hire someone else to start a rumor about your grades for you

by michellewegner

You’re already spending an ungodly amount every semester to attend law school, you might as well invest some money in something that really matters: making people jealous of you.

Hire a reputable classmate, preferably one who doesn’t raise her hand too much in class who others might find uppity. Make sure her grade is somewhere above the middle of the curve. Nobody will believe what someone at the bottom of the curve says about grades, because nobody ever believes what a stupid person says.

Pay this person a weekly stipend to bring you up in casual conversation with classmates.

Classmate: “Did you understand what the professor was saying about Prescriptive Easements?”
Girl You Hired: “I didn’t, but I’m sure Shaun did. Did you know he Am Jur’d Property? And Crim, too? He really knows a lot about the law. That’s why he does so well on exams. Please don’t tell anyone, what I just said. It’s a secret”

Judging by how quickly confidential information about anyone gets around the section, everyone will know within hours and will be hopelessly jealous of how big your law brain is.

Tip 4. Kill yourself and put your GPA in your suicide note

What if you’re not number one? What if you’re number three? There’s little hope that you’re going to be able to change things by next semester, so it’s better to cash out now before things get even worse.

When you’re writing your suicide note, be sure to put write your GPA at the end in a different color, and highlight it so it stands out. Also, be sure to stress how close your number three GPA was numerically to number one.

Have the note read publicly at the school’s grades party or during a career services lecture. You can probably find an example suicide note in your school’s career guide.

Example Suicide Note (DO NOT COPY):

“Dear family, friends, and classmates,
I loved you all! I only wish Professor Jones loved me enough to give me a reason to live. I know I probably upset you all by the manner in which I killed myself: swallowing my Torts book whole.

Yes, I had to dislodge my jaw, and yes, it was a slow, painful death; nevertheless, I learned a lot about pushing myself to the limit by swallowing a 1,400 page hardcover book in one bite. I think I learned more from killing myself than I would have ever learned from Professor Jones’s Torts I class.

Since I killed myself in Professor Jones office to teach him a lesson, could he sue my estate for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? Maybe if he taught the subject better I’d actually know the answer to that question.

My only regret is my 3.89 GPA (written in red pen, highlighted). With only a 3.92, I would have beaten both Hannah Bodry and Daniel Pinchot, and I would have left this cruel world ranked number one.”

In conclusion:

Following these tips, you’re on your way to a fruitful law school career. No-one will ever realize how insecure you are that you judge your self-worth by your grades. They’ll only know how well you did and realize how much better you are than them. Isn’t that what being a lawyer is really all about?

Join me again in part two of this four part series: “Three easy ways to make your professor realize you’re smarter than him.”