So I submitted this to McSweeney’s and it got rejected.

Enjoy…

(click below for more)

Welcome Letter from My Russian Webhost, Circa 1996

Dear Shaun!
You are officially an Internet Website owner (Web Master)! How does it feel to be connected to a World Wide Web? There’s so much a web has to offer, it may be slightly overwhelming to anyone unfamiliar with the net.

WHAT IS A WEBSITES?

Websites are complex information systems made up of image, fonts, and hyperlinks. Music information can be uploaded using the MIDI protocol. MIDI is an ideal data type for the Internet. Below are useful tips for combining these 4 elements:

LOADING TIMES:

As much as image pleases you, image takes long time to load. If you have image of dog AND image of cat on front page, choose one. Maybe keep image of dog on front page and move image of cat onto special “cat page”.

Image should be uploaded in jpeg formats ONLY! and no nudes :)

CHOOSING NAMES:

Dot com names are the way people will access your websites. Choosing names is key to recurring traffic. For example, if I have website about the Blossom television show, I might think to register blossom.com.

But silly, silly, silly… blossom.com could be about any blossom. A cherry, apple, or pomegranate blossom for example. Instead, BE SPECIFIC!

Better names would be Blossom-Television-Show.com or HouseOfBlossom.com to show surfers they can find image of Blossom’s house there. To show you’re a fan, use maybe BlossomRocks.com. GET CREATIVE!

LINK STRATEGIES:

Send mails to other website owners to solicit hyperlinks. In a reciprocal linking campaign, if I link to you, then he will link to me. Think about mutual benefits. He has website about Bill Clinton and you have the website about The White House. Both may benefit from extra visitor interest without competition.

PROMOTING YOUR WEBSITES:

Send mails to friends and family who have new computers. For example, for your Grand Mother in New York City, you could write:

Dear Grand Mother,
Please turn on your computer, so you can look at your Grand Son’s new Internet webspace, HouseOfBlossom.com. There is image of Blossom’s house there. It’s filled with fun informations, image, fonts, and hyperlinks that will make you proud of your bloodline. Listen to some MIDI music, too (theme from Blossom). MIDI is an ideal data type for the Internet.

Sincerely,
Vladimir [or insert your name here]

SEARCH ENGINES:

Become Cool Site of the Day at Yahoo by providing cool pictures. For example, in dog and cat site, submit your special “cat page” for hyperlink. Hundreds of Internet surfers a day visit Yahoo hyperlinks.

Submit to all three most popular search engine (Excite, Hotbot, Altavista) for added results.

Please though, in all promotions, NO SPAMS!!!!!

VERY SPECIAL NOTICE:

We’ve got fantastic news about video for you: It’s no longer just for CD-ROMS! We’ve AMPED UP our server computers and our fast speeds are now helping you. To best view/upload video contents, please download the newest version of RealPlayer and Netscape Navigator 3.0 with Quicktimes.

As test, CLICK HERE to watch very special new Joey Lawrence music video!

IN CONCLUSION:

You are a smart American for making transition to Russian webhost and saving money through globalization. In the future, all corporations and major Americans will do business overseas. Thank you for choosing the Internet and choosing the future!

Sincerely,
Vladimir Nabokov
CEO, Premiere Internet Solutions

PS. Not so fast Silly Billy… :) Here are a few links to get you started:
America Online
The Official Blossom Webring
Hamster Dance
Prodigy Internet
Bill Clinton @ Encarta Online
Geocities

I can kinda understand why it got bumped: it’s not exactly the McSweeney’s format (it has hyperlinks in it), and it primarily a bunch of Internet jokes… McSweeney’s does pop culture irony, not tech culture irony.

It probably could’ve used another draft before I sent it in anyway.

Oh well. C’est la vie.